Are You Carrying the Full Weight of Caregiving Alone?

In this episode of Chat With Nat, Natalie Kime speaks directly to unpaid caregivers carrying the full weight of caregiving without consistent support. Drawing from her own experience caring for her mother, Nat explores the emotional, financial, and physical toll of solo caregiving, including lost income and depleted savings. She offers practical advice on building support systems, creating structured routines, and embracing micro-breaks for self-care. Natalie validates caregivers' feelings of isolation while encouraging them to ask for help, accept small gestures of support, and protect their own well-being — because caregiving is love in action. 

What you'll hear:

• Challenges faced by unpaid caregivers, including emotional, financial, and physical tolls.
• The lack of support systems and backup for caregivers.
• Financial impact of caregiving, including personal savings and lost income.
• The emotional weight and feelings of isolation experienced by caregivers.
• The concept of the "sandwich generation" and planning for long-term care costs.
• Importance of building support systems and asking for help.
• Strategies for organizing caregiving responsibilities, including documentation and routines.
• The necessity of self-care and taking micro-breaks for caregivers.
• Encouragement for caregivers to share their experiences and seek supportive communities.
• Reframing caregiving as an act of love while emphasizing the need for personal well-being.

This podcast covers caregiving, caregiver burnout, caregiving and finances, financial planning for caregivers, money management, elder care, and balancing caregiving with work and life. Chat with Nat: Conversations That Count helps caregivers feel supported, informed, and confident in both their care decisions and financial future.

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The content shared on this podcast is meant to support and inform, but it is not a substitute for professional financial, medical, or legal advice. Please consult with a trusted professional who can guide you based on your individual needs and circumstances. 

Transcript

0:03

Hey friends, welcome back to chat with Nat conversations that count. Have you ever looked around and realized it's just you? There's no backup plan, no rotation, no one stepping in to give you a break. You're the one at the appointments. You're the one managing the meds, and you're the one holding it all together. And the hardest part? It's not always that people won't help. Sometimes there just isn't anyone else. There are over 53 million unpaid caregivers in this country right now, and a significant number of them are doing this with little to no consistent support. So if this is you, it's not a failure. It's a reality that more people are living with than we talk about. Today's episode is brought to you by Casa de Confidence Productions. Julie and Dan Collins are the kind of team every podcaster dreams of their supportive, professional and incredibly talented at helping your voice come through clearly and confidently. If you've ever thought maybe I should start a podcast, go connect with them at Casa de confidence website and see what that might look like for you. My money tip for this week is something that most people don't think about until they're already overwhelmed. When you're caregiving alone, the financial impact multiplies. Nearly half of caregivers end up using their own savings or retirement to cover care related expenses, and many are spending thousands of dollars a year out of pocket without any help. If you haven't listened to my episode from two weeks ago, go back and listen to that one. It's all about the expenses that we have had to cover out of pocket in the last five months for my mom. Breaking that down to show you the reality of what comes flying at caregivers at any given moment. But here's some things you can start tracking. Number one, expenses, not just the monthly ongoing expenses, but those unexpected ones because they can often be the high price points. Track time spent caregiving and lost income or opportunities is the third area to track. On average, caregivers lose over 300,000 in lifetime earnings and benefits not because they made bad decisions, but because they had to step in when nobody else could or would. Listen, I did a training about the sandwich generation the other day, talking about planning for your future. Not just retirement, but the potential cost of care. Most people will need about$300,000 of long term care. Medical care treatment. Care expenses for caregiving items covered things like that $300,000 on average for the 65 to 70% of us that will need that care in the future. And right here, I just told you that 300,000 disappears for caregivers in lost wages when they step in to the caregiving role. This isn't about being transactional. It's about making sure you don't lose your future while you're protecting someone else's present. The emotional reality that nobody talks about is the exhaustion of always being on no one to tag in when you're drained, feeling invisible because no one sees the full picture, and grieving the support system that you wished you had. 1 in 4 caregivers report feeling completely alone in their responsibilities, even in situations where there are technically other people around. When I look at my situation, I have Chris here to help. I have my dad here to help my son. We've hired him two hours a day, Monday through Friday, to be a respite support caregiver, and there are still times that I feel completely alone in my responsibilities. You're not just caring for somebody you love. You're doing it without the you're. You're carrying the weight of doing it without a safety net. Let me read that back one more time. You are not just caring for somebody you love. You're carrying the weight of doing it without a safety net. So why do we end up carrying it alone? You're the closest geographically. You're the most capable or organized. Others are unavailable, unwilling, or unable. Sometimes it's family dynamics, distance or loss, or simply there is nobody else. And because of that, caregiving often defaults to one person. That's why over 40% of caregiving situations involve conflict, imbalance, and unequal responsibility. Caregiving does not always get assigned, y'all. Sometimes it just lands on the person who doesn't drop it. Now, let me say this if you're familiar with my story in my background, I chose to be a caregiver for my parents. I wanted to be someday in the future. It was always in my plan. But that doesn't mean it's easy. I'm the one wired to do that. I'm the one whose life Can be built, not life, whose business can be built around their life and caregiving. Out of my brother and I. And let me be clear. My brother is an amazing support from 1200 miles away. He's my safe space. I can call an event. I can call and cry. I can call and tell him funny stories I. He will listen and then help me navigate through what I'm facing. Help me figure out the next best step or decision in a situation. And sometimes he just reminds me who I am. Which is an amazing thing to have. So for me, he is the exact kind of support from a sibling that I need. The truth is, no matter how much support you have, there is a weight to caregiving that can't ever be shared. But when we talk about support. Let's talk about how we can build it, even if it's not family. If support isn't coming from where you expected or it isn't available from where you think maybe it should come in your family, it doesn't mean it's absolutely unavailable. Some of the areas to explore are paid support, even limited hours. And I know that there are caregivers out there that that is not a financial option. But that's where maybe friends, neighbors, a church or your community could step in. There's local caregiver groups and professional resources, respite care, home health. I will say this not enough. Now, the more I've talked about caregiving. The more caregiving groups I've jumped into. The more I do see caregiving talked about. But a lot of those groups I'm in are private groups. They're the safe space for caregivers to go and just release. But in the everyday world, there's not enough talked about. There's not enough financial programs and support, in my opinion. But there are some. And of course, that's going to depend. I mean, if you're in a rural area far away from any kind of city or significant size town, you may not have those resources. And sometimes it's a pride thing. Sometimes you want to feel like you have it all together, and to tell somebody you need help is just too hard. And yet, one of the most important things you can do now, this goes both ways. As caregivers, We need to ask for help more in my own home with the support I have, I need to ask for help more sometimes because I'll get to a point where it's obvious I need help, but at that point I'm frustrated about receiving it instead of realizing, man, today is an off day for me. Aw man, I really wish you know, dad would feed mom this meal for me. And I have learned to ask and I am still learning to ask. I have an amazing community of people who say, hey, if I can ever come sit with your mom or this or that or the other. Well, listen, my mom's bed bound now, and there's a lot of responsibilities that come with bed bound care that people have to be comfortable with, and that's a lot to put on somebody. And yet, I do feel like I need to find ways to take advantage of that. Maybe shorter spans of time. Hmm, I don't know, but it goes both way in the sense that as caregivers, we have got to get comfortable asking not just our family members who may be unwilling, or maybe we don't have any, and ask people who care about you and what's best for you, and would be willing to give an hour or even 30 minutes so you could take a quick nap, or run to a store, or go get an ice cream cone, or just take a walk down the street. And those of you who are willing to help those of us who are caregivers. Look, we are so grateful for when we get asked or offered help. However, in the thick of caregiving, we are likely not going to slow down enough to say, hey, here's a good time to call Jane down the street or Mary around the corner and see if they can pop over for an hour like they offered one. Y'all probably need to work that into your schedules and to who knows what we might have on our plate any given day. And so my challenge to you is just show up. Just knock on the door and say, hey, can I come in and sit with you for 30 minutes or sit with your loved one for 30 minutes? Do you need to take a nap? I brought you an ice cream cone. I brought you a coffee. Send him some TIFF's treats. Which? If you have TIFF's treats in your areas, you know what I'm talking about. Those are really good cookies. And they show up warm. I mean, talk about somebody giving you a hug from the inside out. And this is not a paid advertisement for TIFF's treats, but you're welcome, Tiff streets. If you know what their favorite candy is. Just show up with it. Not all the time. Don't be overwhelming like it's something else. They have to be ready to do or entertain. Sometimes just show up with a text saying, hey, I see you. Hey, I'm thinking about you today. I got three of those two in text format and one in a message on social media today of people telling me they saw me, people saying I was on their mind, how's my mom? How am I? A friend of mine who's been a caregiver more than once, more than twice, who just said, I've been thinking about you. I just want you to know you're doing great. I'm proud of you. I love you the way that that can fill someone's sails when they are at their wit's end or completely overwhelmed is next level. 70% of caregivers say they don't have a formal support system in place, which means most people are trying to figure out. What to do as they go. Just what's today? Okay, how do I handle this? There's no plan. There's no system, there's no support. There's no anything in place. Because what caregiving entails often takes so much attention, especially in the beginning, that you don't know how to put systems in place. Or if if we're looking at the last five months with my mom, there has been constant change happening. And every time I think I've got systems in place, something shifts, something changes, and it's been a lot. We're just doing the best we can, one day at a time. And that's not a failure. That's love. That's love in action, even though it might be imperfect. So what's a practical approach that can be taken? First of all, start small. As I mentioned before, those people who are offering to help take them up on that offer. Maybe they didn't really mean it, and they're going to have an excuse on why they're busy. Okay, well, now you know. But sometimes they might say yes. Can they come sit with your person for an hour or two hours? So you can do any one of a number things you might want to do and think in layers. Emotional support versus physical support versus financial support. Like I talked about, my brother is my emotional support. My boyfriend, my dad and my son, my physical support. And luckily, my parents finances are in a place that we can take care of what we need to. And that's not a stress for us, but I know for most it is a stress. The majority of caregivers are constantly carrying the weight of how can I afford this? Support does not have to be perfect to be helpful. Please caregivers, reach out. Reach out and ask. And I know many of you have. And the answer you've gotten is no, I get it. Look for help outside your family. And again, if financial support is something you need help with guidance with, please reach out to me. I will sit down with you and have a conversation and see how I can support you or help you navigate things from a financial perspective. I would be happy to to do that. Create a simple care system for your sanity. Oh my gosh, that's so important. Number one document routines. Track medications and appointments. Create a weekly rhythm, y'all. I know my mom is bedridden now, so routines are really my routines and caring for her, but before it was very guided by her. Now, there are still certain times certain things need to happen for her. Yes, but for the majority, I can identify those and build what I need to around them to get everything done, but document them as they shift, as they change, and you've got to move things around. You don't want to miss something. Tracking those medications and appointments is vital. Everything goes on my calendar. Everything related to caregiving is a specific color on my calendar so it pops in my face. Medications I have a spreadsheet I track everything on and that sucker is on my phone. So back when we were going to in-person appointments for my mom, if there was a change in medication, I could make it right away. I knew exactly what my spreadsheet says the name of the drug, the dosage of the drug, the size of the pill, the shape of the pill, the color of the pill. How many times a day? I needed that in the beginning. Now I can sit down and open those bottles. I know what goes where, when, however, okay. And when she gets a new med that's replaced something else. I make sure to immediately get rid of the old one. Do I need to lean on the spreadsheet all the time anymore? No. But do you know how many times it has helped me at a doctor's appointment? Or when I've had to call 911? Or when we've had to go to the emergency room, or even with home health coming to just be able to not have to pull out a bunch of bottles, literally just say here, here's the document. Do you want me to email it to you? Do you want to take a picture of it or just read through it? For a nurse documenting in my mom's chart? Such a relief to have that right at my fingertips. When everything lives in your head, it creates constant stress. So again, while some things are so much more natural for me and right there, spot on, knowing that I have that as a backup, just relieve stress. Whether I have to lean on it often or not. Caregivers without structured systems are significantly more likely to experience burnout. You don't need more strength. You need more structure. Last week, we got the last of the things in my mom's room with the setup. I have a shelving unit and a small side dresser that is completely stocked with everything she needs. So when I walk in to wake her up in the morning, I'm like, I need one of these, one of these, one of these, one of these. I have a bedside table. They all get arranged in a certain order. I don't miss a step because I created a system, and I have everything at my fingertips because I created a system. Systems may take time to create and implement, but they will save your sanity over and over and over again. And let's talk about when there truly is no one else. This is the deepest and most emotional section of this conversation. Accepting the reality without spiraling. I don't have to do this. But as much as I have had to learn when to ask for help, when to vent, when to let my emotions out, that I don't always have to stay in business mode and look like I have my shit together. Okay, just what I've had to do in that area can feel daunting at times, so to accept the reality that it is all you, I can only imagine. But it's so important. It's so important, and it is important to have places that you can let out the emotion vent, um, take off the overwhelm and set it somewhere else for a little bit of time. You have got to let go of the idea of this shouldn't be mine to carry, because whether it should or not, it is. And then there's grieving the absence of support. All of those things are so real. And I am not being heartless. And I am not trying to overlook these because my situation is not as difficult as others. I 100% knowingly admit I am blessed with the community in my home, outside my home, the support I have, even from a distance from my family. I am so, so utterly blessed. And I know many, many, many of you or those who are caregivers do not have. The luxuries that I do in those areas. But if you stay in a place of spiraling, constantly focused on why me? Why is it me? Why couldn't somebody else do it? Why won't somebody else do it? And being focused on the lack of support that you have, it will make that weight you carry ten times heavier. I know there are people who are going to listen to this and think, oh. Easy for you to say. It's not easy for me to say and it's not easy for me to read the posts. From the people who are walking that path. It's not easy to know that people don't have what I have. And so as much as this episode is about the reality of what it looks like when you carry it alone, um. It is also an I see you, and I know there's a significant number of you walking that path. I just don't want you to stay stuck. Not that not not that. Dealing with any of this. Not that. Accepting the reality without spiraling. Not that letting go of this shouldn't be mine to carry. Not that stopping the grief over the absence of support will fix everything. Absolutely it will not. It will not take it all away. But what it will do is help you navigate a little bit better. See, my mom reacts if I walk into her room to do something and I'm in a bad mood, or if I'm a bit frustrated, or if it's more difficult than it typically is, or if it's something new I haven't done before and I feel frustrated or overwhelmed. It becomes exponentially more difficult because she is physically reacting to what she can feel from me. And it is vitally important when you step into the room with your person that you bring a spirit of calm. It is not easy. I do not get it right. I do not always get it right. There are many times, sometimes on a daily basis, I miss a mark and then I'm like, man, I didn't have to make that so hard, man. I probably made that even more stressful for mom than it needed to be. I recognize that, but it's also what opens those windows to find some of the beauty and the joy amongst the hard of caregiving. Even though millions of people are in this position, it doesn't make it feel any less heavy when it's your life. And that is what I have realized so much more. This last couple of months that I've really started getting in some caregiving groups on social media again, where I can release information, where I can support and share things I've learned along the way, and receive support in areas that are new to me. I can ask questions and not feel like I'm being judged, and so sometimes that's the easiest place for us to go and we can get so much support and help and recommendations there. But we have to start talking about it more out in the real world and stop worrying about hurting other people's feelings, because our reality is what it is. You don't owe anybody an apology for the weight that you carry as a caregiver, and sometimes finding your voice to share it, regardless of whether or not it pisses some people off is, again, like taking a deep breath. You've got to have a place to release because it is heavy. It's your life. You step into it every single day. And if you continue to carry it and hold on to it with no place to release, it is going to be detrimental for your mental health, your physical health, and every other area of your life. You can hold love for the responsibility of caregiving for somebody and still acknowledge that it's hard and unfair. That is one thing I talk about all the time. It is both things at once. I break sometimes, and I am also incredibly positive, joyful, and outwardly speak about how blessed I feel in this Situation all at the same time. It is so important to protect yourself mentally and emotionally on this part, in this process, on this journey. Micro brakes matter. Letting just a little bit out can be such a huge weight lifting experience. Lowering unrealistic expectations. Stop telling yourself it has to be perfect. You showed up. Just do the best you can and some days it's going to be better than others. Stop beating yourself up. Letting good enough be enough because sometimes that's all you've got. And creating moments of reset. I've seen comments and posts from many people who are like, I'll have to lock myself in the bedrooms sometimes just to get some peace. Okay, well, if your person's safe, go do that. Sometimes I go for a walk down the street just to get a break. Is what I read from one woman. Okay, go do that. Because those tiny little moments where you can create even a few minutes of escape, of self-care, which to lock yourself in your room and take a few deep breaths for a little while or a quick nap. That is self-care, my friends. That is self-care. And the truth is, it's even more important for those 60% of caregivers who are women who are balancing careers, children, and caregiving all at once. You cannot pour from empty, and you are never meant to do this without caring for yourself as well. Here's the empowerment shift. This isn't what you planned, but it matters. You're creating dignity and comfort for somebody that you love, and you're showing up in alignment with your values. In a world where millions are quietly carrying this role, you're choosing to show up with intention. And that's powerful. You've got to keep yourself strong, to be able to manage it, because every single bit of it will break you otherwise. And at the end of the day, this isn't just responsibility, y'all. It is love in action. Here's my hot take for this episode. If you're carrying this load alone right now, stop waiting for the situation to suddenly become easier. Stop waiting for help that may not come, and instead start building a way to carry this that doesn't cost you yourself in the process because caregiving is an act of love, but losing yourself in it. Should never be the requirement. And for those of you who feel like I wasn't wired for this, I wasn't meant for this. It just dropped in my lap. I want to put my person in a place that I feel like they'll be better taken care of, but the guilt or the this or the so-and-so said, I will say the same thing I always say. Not all of us chose this path. No, not everyone is wired to be a caregiver, and it is okay to choose not to be. If you have the ability to choose. Don't ever let anybody else make you feel guilty. And push you into a situation that isn't good for you or your loved one. Y'all, if this episode hit home for you, I want you to hear this clearly. You are not the only one carrying this alone. Please share this episode with somebody who needs to feel seen. And if you're in this season right now, let's talk. Because there are ways to protect your finances, your energy, and your future. Even if you're the only one showing up day after day. You can always reach me through the show notes. You can find me under Natalie Kime on Facebook or Instagram. Feel free to send me a direct message. I would love to connect and grow my community and hopefully add to yours. Thank you again for being here with me for this episode this week. I'm so grateful for every one of you who listen to this podcast who share this information, and I pray that something I shared today was a blessing to you or somebody you know. Until next week, stay safe, stay sane, and stay loved.